uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
