sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
