You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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