did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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