and you said cock pushups were impossible
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize
