the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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