with your own penis?
I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Randomize
