her vagina looked like bernie madoff
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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