she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
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