Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Randomize
