Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Randomize
