I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
