I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
People in love make me want to vomit
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Randomize
