you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Well I just put wine in my tea
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
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