i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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