im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
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