My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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