all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
