No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
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