Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
