hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Randomize
