it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
