checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
