In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
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