Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Randomize