I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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