I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
We need to rekindle our bromance
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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