Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
