What did we do last night that was yellow?
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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