Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Randomize
