why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
