um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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