Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Randomize
