I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
