I look better un-naked...
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
Can you repeat that, but with context?
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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