For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize