I cannot find my penis.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
