Who wears a wallet chain?!
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
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