i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
