Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
