Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
no, there's no challenge. I live a humble lifestyle out of virtue.
You wear Armani Exchange.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
Randomize
