I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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