the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Randomize
