the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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