He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Randomize
