my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
