I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Randomize
