I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Randomize
