I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
Randomize
