My new storm is the chrons
The only reason I needed a new one is bc I threw up on my other one(248): And since Verizon doesn't have a throw up test, I was eligible for a new one
Your face is a jimmy john
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
nutella sex= disaster
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
