I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
