I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
