he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
The air was thick with penises
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
Randomize
