allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
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