He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
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